I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing*

‘Oo, enjoy every moment of it! She won’t be little for long!’ Ah! The mantra uttered by those with 30 years of space between scraping shit out of tiny, white sandals and popping to a café to have a civilized conversation with friends.

I love my daughter very much, but that does not mean that there are things that I will be sorry to see disappear over the horizon, never to darken my life again.

Things I will not be missing:

Opening Public Toilet Doors

I can honestly say that I will be very glad when my little darling stops opening the doors in public toilets when I am in the middle of powdering my nose. I daresay the poor people in the queue for the toilets will also be equally pleased.

 Social Commentary

Yes, I know the man behind us is fat. If anyone were ever in any doubt of it, then you screaming the fact at the top of your lungs has clarified it for us all. Yes he does have a willy *sigh*

Car Seats

Some people have daily mantras that help them deal with their lives / the world, and very lovely they are too. ‘There are blessings hidden everywhere; it is up to you to find them’, or ‘I will impact on people positively today’. Mine has become ‘TURN AROUND AND SIT DOWN’. Now that she is 4, she’s a little too big to strong-arm in to the car seat – unless you particularly want to get kicked in the tits, so I have to rely on good parenting methods. Namely, cajoling, bribing and shouting.

 Vomiting Noises

I’ve got a feeling that this just might be something that pertains to me and my shadow, but who gives a shit?! I’ll still be glad when it no longer happens. When I’m eating food that she does not like, she makes vomiting noises. Make vomiting noises over your own food. Knock yourself out, but leave me alone. It’s not for you, as unbelievable as that may sound. I don’t openly retch when you scoff Peppa Pig shapes in tomato sauce on toast (Pasta on bread. They tried to include more carbs, but potatoes wouldn’t fit in the tin), so let me eat my disgusting spinach in peace.

 Coat Windmill a.k.a. Getting Dressed

Just before I start shouting at my lovely one to get out of the house, she needs to put her coat on. So we do the ‘Coat Windmill’ in which she puts one arm in the sleeve and then slightly walks ahead of me, but in circles. Truly Laurel and Hardy stuff. This counts for a lot of getting dressed to be fair.

 Wiping Bums, Poo and Combinations of Both

 ‘Cor!’ you think as you change the nth nappy of the day, ‘I can’t WAIT ‘til they’re potty trained. It’ll be SO much easier then.’ Ha ha! Ahahahaha!…*sigh*.  When you’re potty/toilet training, nappies will seem like halcyon days. A rose-tinted, bygone era containing little bags of effluent. At least you know where the poo is and you don’t have to second guess whether they need to do one or have, indeed, already done a great big one that is currently languishing behind the wendy house (yup).  Any time that I’m about to eat is also apparently an opportune moment to curl out something that resembles a river dwelling mammal.

 No Realistic Concept of Time

She’s 4, I know! Next week it could be Christmas again, for all she knows. Time is irrelevant, there is only now. Children are so in the moment and that is a wonderful thing. Apart from when you need to get them somewhere else at a certain time – like nursery, or a half-an-hour class you have shelled out for and if you’re more than 15 minutes late then what is the point?

‘Time to go darling.’

‘La la la la let it go, let it go!’

‘We have to go now or we’re going to be late.’

‘I just need to get somefin for my bag la la la.’

‘I’m going now. Right now. We’re going to miss nursery. Do you understand?’

‘Hm mm mmmm I just need…’

‘GETOUTOFTHEHOUSERIGHTNOW’

‘Waaaaah!! You shouted at me!! Mean Mummy!!’

*sits on doorstep and weeps*

 Yes! No! Yes!

 Oh the contradictions!  An example being, not wanting to talk on the phone to her respective Grandparents and then totally motherflipping out when I have said ‘Goodbye’ and put the phone down (put the phone down? Where am I? 1993?).  ‘But I wanted to talk to theeeeeeeeemmmmmmmaaaaaaaaargh.’ This category, is also closely connected to ‘The Sky Is Not Blue If I Say It’s Not, Alwight?’

 Willy Willy Bum Bum

 ‘Look at my bum! Look at my foof! Do boys have willies? Do Daddy have a willy? Why don’t I have a willy? Look, I can do a standing up wee like a boy!’ I don’t think that I need to qualify this any further.

So, those are things that I will not miss. What about you? Have I missed anything that you will really be glad to see the back of?

 *Disclaimer: Yes, yes I do.

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6 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing*

  1. What about my current favourite? : ” Mummy? Mummy? Mummy! Mummy? Mummy? MUMMY?” “Hang on fella, mummy’s just taking to this nice traffic warden/man about the gas bill/teacher about your behaviour then I’ll be right with you” “but Muuuummy mummy MUMMY mummy? MUMMY! MUMMY! Mummmmmy mummy? Mummy mummy” does that stop? Does it? Please say it’s so….frazzledly yours.

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  2. I have only one word for you. But it is a long word.

    “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”

    How do they know to do it in that irritating voice that goes up 2 octaves between the start and the end? Do they teach them it in nursery or something?

    Also, the thing where they have a bowl of some food, and someone takes one piece of the food, and that means that they have to have an extra kilo of the food to make up for the insult.

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  3. Tantrums on leaving playdates! Insolent child, you have just been fed, watered, wiped and humoured beyond your ability to earn such charity. Please dear host, ignore it, and thank you.

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