You’ve had a wonderful day with your little one – cleaning felt tip pen from the wall, picking up bits of discarded lunch off the floor and witnessing a really fun hour long tantrum in the supermarket because they’re not allowed to take all their clothes off – and now it’s time to settle them down to sleep so that they have the energy to do it all over again tomorrow.
Bedtime can be such a fraught part of the day. You’re all tired and sick to the back teeth of one another, so here are 13 easy steps to help you get the best out of your child’s bedtime…
1. A soothing bath is a great start to the bedtime routine, so spend 10 minutes trying to get them in the bath and another hour trying to get them out. They will eventually get out when close to hypothermia and you are soaking wet.
2. Attempt to dry and dress a constantly moving object. Turns out perpetual motion does exist.
3. Time for an enjoyable bedtime story. How about…um, oh you know…the one that you’ve read every night for the past year. Just one more. Just one more. Please? JUST ONE MORE I HATE YOU.
4. Say ‘Sweet dreams darling’ before you RUN quietly away.
5. It’s about this point that I usually
crack open any alcohol I can find have a soothing herbal tea.
6. Shout GO TO SLEEP up the stairs.
7. Shout IF I HEAR YOU OUT OF BED THERE WILL BE TROUBLE.
8. Shout DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE.
9. Take a fortifying swig of
booze tea and pause Wolf Hall / GBBO / Strictly.
10. Go up there.
11. Ask in your best passive/aggressive voice what the matter is.
12. Have a 20 minute conversation about why your jumper is stripy, what day is today and why your name is Mummy.
13. Continue until you cry or see dawn break, whichever happens first.