To be a parent or not to be a parent? That is the question. With world resources dwindling, is it responsible for the human race to go on reproducing like E. Coli? To help you decide whether you want a tiny, inarticulate, angry version of either you or your partner, I’ve drawn up a list of fully comprehensive arguments for and against.
Reasons To Have Children
Nature’s Alarm Clock. Have difficulty getting up in the morning? You won’t when it sounds like someone’s being murdered in the room next to you.
Personal Valet. Children are great at telling you when you smell / have bogies / have made up yourself to look like a clown. If you can train them to tell you this before leaving the house, even better.
To get out of doing something you don’t like / can’t be bothered to do. ‘So sorry about missing the 10K Mum Fun Run – Little Quentin was poorly.’
If you like going to the doctor’s / hospital. Bingo bango baby! You’re going to be there A LOT.
If, like Margaret Thatcher, you only operate on 4 hours sleep a night.
Someone to laugh at farts with.
You like standing outside in the freezing cold making repetitive arm movements.
You hate fine dining and peaceful afternoons walking around art galleries.
Reasons Not To Have Children
Unconditional love and appreciation. Are you fucking kidding? Only if there’s biscuits involved and then for the exact length of time it takes for the biscuit to be snatched out of your hand.
To have a tiny version of yourself. Really?! If you genuinely think this is a good idea to procreate, take a opinion poll of your friends and family to see what they think. You might be surprised.
To make your parents proud grandparents – until they remember all the shit that goes with babies and suddenly find that they forgot to tell you about the new interior design course they just signed up for that lasts 18 years.
If you’re bored of your job. Your job may be boring, but believe me there is nothing more boring on God’s green earth than playing the same imaginary game over and over again, with the person you’re playing with chuntering on about a load of old bollocks. Your job allows you to have hot beverages and meal breaks and does not make your vagina look like roadkill. These are things to seriously take in to consideration
It’s because it’s what everyone else is doing. At the risk of sounding like your Mum, if everyone else thought it was a good idea to jump out of a plane with no parachute, would you do it? WOULD YOU?
They don’t do the ironing.
You have mirrored furniture and white carpets.
It should surprise no-one that my decision making process about having children involved New Year’s Eve, fizzy alcohol and some fancy drawers.