Apparently Christmas is the peak time to conceive so before you swig a couple of egg nogs and bingo bango baby, how do you know that you’re ready to be a parent? It’s such a massive, life-changing decision. Can you afford it? Can your career take it? These might seem like really important questions. But they’re not. Here are the actual top* 10 activities that you can do to find out whether you really are ready for parenthood.
1. Have a continuous, slight hangover for 9 months. This will help you get used to the tiredness and sickness. Go that extra mile by puking into a carrier bag on the tube during rush hour.
2. Repeatedly punch yourself in the fanny for approximately 20 hours whilst being observed by people you have never met. If you occasionally lose control of your bowels, then all the better. Afterwards put broken glass in your knickers for the next 4 weeks. Just joking!!! It’s far more painful and humiliating than that.
3. Lose all opinion and constantly second guess yourself, even though you are a grown adult, pay the rent / mortgage and hold down a job.
4. Set your alarm to wake you and your partner up every 2 – 4 hours to go and sing nursery rhymes in a dark room for about an hour, then argue about who got the least amount of sleep.
5. For those of you intending to breast-feed: Stick bulldog clips on your nipples and keep them on for 6 months, even if they make your tits bleed.
6. Alternatively, if you are planning to bottle-feed: spend hours sterilizing tiny bottles with boiling hot water until your hands are red raw. Repeat this process until you can’t see through the tears and are sterilizing random kitchen utensils and household pets.
7. When you have a bath or shower, make sure you leave the bathroom door open so that anyone can wander in and have a shit whenever they like. Better still, get up mid-bath / shower and wipe their bum for them. This works particularly well when you’re in the middle of washing your hair.
8. Get your friends to come round and take acid, then proceed to argue with them about why a teacup isn’t an elephant and cheese can’t fly.
9. Employ someone to follow you around with a megaphone, shouting out personal bits of humiliating information to all and sundry – YOU HAVE A HAIRY BOTTOM, WHY IS THERE BLOOD IN YOUR KNICKERS, YOU DID A FART.
10. Go to Longleat Safari Park and attempt to put tights on a baboon.
*in my head